You Remembered?
by cougshupe
Summary: SPOILER ALERT - Taken from the previews for "47 Seconds".  Castle learns Beckett's secret and shuts her out.  Find out what she does to try to get him back. NOW COMPLETE
1. The Chair

Beckett's frustration with the suspect was evident. She couldn't understand how he simply couldn't remember anything when she remembered every single detail of her ordeal. She blurted out, "I was shot in the chest and I remember every second of it."

The words hit Castle in the chest. He had been watching the interrogation from the observation room and knew as soon as she said those words what it meant. "You remembered?" he whispered to himself. Esposito and Ryan were in the room with him and heard Castle's words, but they meant little to the partners.

Unexpectedly, Castle turned to the door and walked out of the room despite the interrogation continuing. He walked dazedly to Beckett's desk. Without hesitation he took his chair—the one that had sat next to Beckett's desk for years, the one that remained in place while he was summering at the Hampton's, the one that sat there empty while Beckett recovered from her gunshot and even when Castle had been kicked out of the precinct by Gates. He picked it up and moved it to the break room. He shoved it, unceremoniously, under the table and walked to the elevator.

As the doors to the elevator closed he glanced back at the room and saw Beckett putting on her jacket, freeing her hair with her arm. He vowed to commit that view of her to memory, because he was done—done with the precinct, done with Nikki Heat, and done with Kate Beckett.

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><p>Kate was tired after the interrogation, she had gained little knowledge and the emotion of the questioning drained her. She knew there was a lot of work to still be done, but she needed a break. She headed to her desk and grabbed her coat. She wondered where Castle was. When he wasn't in the interrogation room with her he usually watched it and met her at her desk afterward. She caught sight of him in the elevator as she finished putting her coat on. She was sure that he saw her, but he didn't move to hold the elevator doors like she expected.<p>

Kate looked around for Esposito and Ryan. When she couldn't spot either of them she continued her search in the break room. She saw them, "Hey, I just saw Castle on the elevator, do either of you know why he left early?"

The boys glanced at each other and shrugged their response. "No idea. He made some remark during the interrogation and left the room quickly. We didn't see him after that."

"A remark?" Kate inquired. "What did he say?"

Ryan answered, "I don't know exactly. Something about 'remembering'? He said it real quiet and didn't repeat it when we asked."

Kate retraced her steps from the break room to her desk and that is when she noticed the missing chair. She called out, "Esposito, Ryan, can you come here."

The boys heard urgency and distress in her voice and hurried to her side. They instantly saw what was missing. "Where's Castle's chair?" Esposito asked aloud. It was the question the other two were thinking.

"I was going to ask you two that question," Kate responded. "It was here earlier, I know it was, he was tilting back on two legs and I warned him that he was going to fall over."

"You don't think he moved it, do you?" Ryan mused.

Reality hit Kate like a Mac truck. Instantly she connected what she had said in the interrogation with Castle's abrupt departure. She knew what "remembered" meant and it meant that Castle felt betrayed, hurt, and deceived. "Oh shit, I messed up guys and I don't know how to fix this." Kate knew that Castle had moved his own chair. It was his way of saying that this partnership was over and it was a pretty final good-bye.


	2. Trying to Apologize

A/N: I intended this to be a one-shot because I loved the idea of Castle removing his chair from its permanent position beside Beckett's desk. However, I think there could be more to the story. This is all posted before the episode "47 seconds" airs and I will probably lose interest after it airs so I will try to wrap it up quickly.

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><p>Kate delegated the next interviews to Esposito and Ryan, she couldn't concentrate well enough to do her job knowing that Castle was furious with her—knowing that he had every right to be furious with her. She told the boys that she was going out to look for Castle and asked them to cover for her with Gates. They readily agreed because they valued Castle and regarded him as part of their team too. Also, they read Beckett's mood and didn't ask any questions of how she had driven Castle to leave.<p>

Kate's first stop was Castle's apartment. Surprisingly he answered the door, but quickly moved to slam it shut when he saw her face. She shoved her foot into the doorway and blocked it from shutting, ignoring the pain this caused her. Castle was stunned by her swift action and he stumbled two steps back, but didn't put up any more fight to keep her from entering the room. She saw that he had already begun drinking, the Scotch was sitting on the kitchen counter next to a half-empty highball. He regained his composure, grabbed his glass and stalked off to his office. Once there he slammed that door and Kate heard a lock click.

She crossed the room to the office door and tried to speak to him through it. "Castle, please let me in. I need to talk to you, I need to explain, to apologize." She spoke with an openness she had not used with Castle before. She knew she had hurt him and she knew that no sexual innuendo or comedic comment would get her out of this mess.

He remained silent, not answering in the affirmative or the negative. She realized that this was the worst possible scenario she could imagine. At least if he told her to go away he was acknowledging her – speaking to her. But the silence continued.

She examined the lock and realized that it was a simple interior lock able to be picked with a small flat screwdriver. Once she knew that she could get to Castle she tried to formulate a plan of how to apologize to him that would make him listen. After pacing for minutes through his living room she caught a glimpse of herself in a mirror and an idea came to her.

She slipped off her blouse to reveal a thin camisole underneath. She would have liked one that was more substantial as her plan did not involve seducing him. Instead she needed to reveal something to him. She found a tool to unlock to the door and without knowing what words she would use she let herself into the office.

His eyes rolled in his head when she opened the door. She knew he was exasperated with her for not leaving him alone, but she approached him anyway. He didn't back away, there was no longer anywhere for him to go. He sat on the edge of his desk and she went to stand in front of him. She picked up his empty left hand and raised the tips of his fingers to bullet hole scar on her chest. She guided his fingers over the entry wound that was still very visible. She touched that scar every morning so she knew that its contours spoke volumes and was still a powerful reminder to her of that day. She hoped that by letting him see it, letting him feel where her life had been shattered that day would be worth more than any words she could say.

Castle's hand began to move independent of her guidance. His index finger stroked the edges of the wound in a slow back and forth. She watched him close his eyes as he let his thumb have a turn feeling the bumpy smoothness of the healing entry wound. She watched as a tear escaped from his eye and slowly slid down his face. He didn't move his had from her chest to wipe it away.

Silently he opened his eyes and put down the drink that he held in his right hand. He stood and moved his body so that his right hand could now rest on the mark on her chest and his left hand reached for the exit wound in her back. She held her breath as he moved, afraid that if she spoke or moved away he would bolt again. She still didn't know what to say, but knew that her gesture, her actions, were speaking louder than any words she could have put together.

His eyes wandered to her back and stayed there while both of his hands played over these scars that were reminders of more than just that day at the funeral. She stayed still for what felt like an eternity and all of her training to remain silent and let the guilty party fill the silence with confession was forgotten. She could stand the silence no longer because she was the guilty party. She spoke, "I don't know why I couldn't tell you, admit that I remembered everything about the shooting. I was too overwhelmed at the hospital to deal with everything … anything. Then after, there was never a time to tell you. We were back to normal, we were comfortable. I didn't want to ruin it. And …" She finally stopped for a moment, she didn't want to make the next admission and hoped that he would interrupt, would break her flow. When he didn't make a sound, when he didn't step in to tell her it was okay, that he understood, she made her final statement. "And I liked knowing that you loved me, that you had actually said it and I hadn't inferred it from you following me for four years. I was selfish to keep that knowledge and not return any of it. I'm sorry Castle."

His hands dropped from her body and she was instantly cold. She hadn't realized the heat his body was radiating to her and the reaction her body experienced at his touch. He moved away from her to his oversized computer monitor. He touched the screen and revealed his murderboard to her. The picture of her was centered on the screen and was surrounded by all the players in the case. Her eyes relayed the images to her brain, but she sat frozen in time as confusion paralyzed her. Her own murderboard in her apartment sat untouched, closed up in fact, at the request of Castle, that she let it go. Yet here was an up-to-date version in the place where his next Nikki Heat novel should be story boarded.

Castle used her motionless state to move from the room without her even noticing. She had noticed, but his leaving did not register as a problem to her. She inched closer to the screen and her eyes saw the all-too-familiar faces of her past. Her mother's face looked back at her; Dick Coonan's eyes were still alive on this screen; Roy Montgomery's smile ripped into her heart; and other faces, so many others, but all dead. Finally she glanced at a blank space with a question mark filling the slot. Underneath was written, "Mystery Caller". She turned around, intent on asking Castle about this person and found that he had not returned to the room.

She wandered out of the office and to the kitchen, assuming that he had gone to make coffee so they could discuss this development. He was nowhere to be found. She called his name, but got only silence in return. She wandered, slowly at first and then with more speed throughout the apartment. She wanted to cling to the idea that Castle was there, was ready to explain everything to her. When she allowed herself to believe that he was gone she sank to the couch feeling more alone than ever.


	3. Deception

Kate sat on Castle's couch for what felt like an eternity, but she knew it was only a matter of minutes. She finally accepted that he had left the apartment without a word, without a good-bye, and in fact without having said anything since she entered the apartment.

She collected herself and made a beeline to the murderboard. The screen had gone black in her absence so she touched it tentatively realizing that she had never touched it before. Her eyes immediately focused on the missing picture of the "Mystery Caller." She touched the question mark and a new screen filled the monitor. This one had a smaller blank space where the picture should be and an outline of facts Castle had gathered about the caller.

The first entry was a date, she noted that it was after the shooting and after she had returned to work. The memories flashed back to her – she had been spiraling out of control after only a few days back on the job and Castle had convinced her to "give it time" to not let these guys rob her of her life. She new instantly that the caller must have persuaded Castle to make her back away from the case, but she didn't know what they would have used against him to be so persuasive.

The rest of the list:

a friend of Montgomery's  
>owed Montgomery his life<br>Montgomery sent files that if they got out could hurt some powerful people  
>the files were meant to keep Beckett and Montgomery's family safe<br>that Beckett cannot investigate the case or she will no longer be safe  
>death of Laura Cambridge somehow connected<br>phone number – 555-3452  
>part of a conspiracy that will keep Mayor Weldon away from governor aspirations<br>part of a conspiracy to ensure that Castle doesn't get kicked out of the 12th precinct.

A note at the bottom of the page revealed that the only people who knew about the Mystery Caller were Castle, Martha, and Alexis. Kate was dumbstruck that Castle would share this amazing piece of evidence with his family, but keep it from her and the other cops involved in the investigation. She frantically touched the screen eager to open up more information, but none of her movements altered the facts on the screen.

She grabbed the phone and without a plan in her head she dialed the phone number written on the board. It was answered by an automated voice stating the number was no longer in service. She grimaced as she heard the words and knew that the phone had been a burner cell. She wondered if Castle had ever called it and ever talked to the mystery caller or had ever seen him in person. She wondered if it even was a man.

Kate's rage was in full force. She was furious with Castle for keeping this from her, for keeping her from investigating her mother's murder when he had clearly not given it up too. She searched his desk for a flash drive so she could download all of the information he had collected. She gave no thought to the fact that she was invading his privacy. Her only thoughts were of betrayal and lost months when she could have been finding out who the mystery caller was.

She completed her task of downloading all of the information, but had not yet calmed down or formulated a plan. She had tried to reach Castle by cell phone. She allowed herself to leave one message stating that she was confused about the murderboard and that she wanted to talk and could he please call her back. Despite leaving a message she continued to call him every few minutes, but they continued to go unanswered.

She heard keys at the front entrance and she raced to the foyer to meet Castle and confront him with all of her anger. She took a step back as Alexis came into the room instead of Castle.

Alexis was startled to see Detective Beckett in the apartment, but was comfortable with the woman so she quickly relaxed. "Hello, Detective Beckett. I didn't expect you to be here."

Kate's anger did not dissipate when she saw Little Castle. She wanted answers and she wanted them now. She remembered from the murderboard that Alexis knew about the Mystery Caller. It went against every moral fiber in her body, but she decided to lie to Alexis. She even knew that she would regret the tactic later, but at the moment she was not in control of herself. She responded to Alexis, "No, I was just waiting for Castle. He, umm, he stepped out just before he was about to tell me some important information. In fact he said you and Martha knew about it." She was appalled at how easily and readily the lies came to her, but she continued with her ruse. "I really have to get back to the precinct. I didn't expect him to be gone this long. Maybe you could tell me what you know." She said it as a statement, she didn't want to give Little Castle a change to refuse.

Alexis was a pleaser and always ready to help. She shrugged at Detective Beckett, "If I can help, I'll try."

Kate led her into the office and woke up the monitor which immediately jumped to the screen with her face surrounded by persons of interest in the case. Kate moved with confidence, she didn't want Alexis to have any reason to doubt her authority to be in that room and to be viewing Castle's murderboard. "He said he was going to finally fill me in on this 'Mystery Caller,' but for some reason he took a call on his cell and left, telling me he would be back in a few minutes. But, like I said, I really have to get back to the precinct. What can you tell me about this man?" Kate asked as she tried not to appear over eager.

Alexis was slightly confused. She didn't know why her dad would promise to finally tell Detective Beckett about this big secret and then rush off without fulfilling his promise. But she had agreed with her Grandmother that Detective Beckett should be in the loop and was glad that her dad was going to reveal this information to her. Alexis said, "I don't know much. He called a while back, back when you and he weren't speaking much. He had promised that he wasn't going to go back to his 'research'. I'd been so worried about him working with you, worried that he would get hurt. He's just a writer, not a trained cop. But after that phone call he said he had to warn you away from your mother's case. He said it as the only way to keep you safe, so he wouldn't lose you again." Alexis stopped, afraid that she had given away too much that her father kept private. But then she realized that she felt good about sharing. She was tired of watching her dad follow Detective Beckett around like a love sick puppy and get nothing in return. Alexis was glad that she revealed some of her father's intentions so that the Detective could not feign ignorance over how her father felt toward her.

Kate heard the words coming out of Alexis' mouth and knew that she really was worried for her dad, that she silently blamed Kate for putting her father into dangerous situations without seeming to care that he had a family waiting at home for him. She had insulated herself from these thoughts many times by telling herself that Castle was a grown man and he could make his own decisions about whether or not to tag along with her. But she acknowledged that their relationship had changed over the years, that she no longer considered him a tag-a-long, but a full partner. She relied on him to back her up and to help keep her safe and she knew she strung him along with innuendo and high heels.

Kate was feeling overwhelmed by emotions of all kinds and she knew she had to escape from Castle's apartment. She was able to ask, "Is that all you know? Do you know if he ever called the man or saw him?"

Alexis shrugged and said, "I've never talked to dad about him since that one day. I wasn't even supposed to know that much except I was sitting outside his office while he talked with Grams about it. She wanted him to tell you right away, but he felt that you would only fall deeper into the case and get yourself killed in the process. He's probably right," she gestured to the murderboard, "look at all the pictures. You are the only one not marked 'deceased'."

Kate nodded in agreement and thanked Alexis for telling her what she knew. She knew the deception of this day would come to light sometime soon and she knew that she would grieve the loss of trust Alexis had in her, but she couldn't turn back time. She thanked Alexis and uncharacteristically gave the girl a hug. Kate felt compelled to make her good-bye a bit more formal than usual as she knew it may be the last time she saw the girl on good terms.

Alexis walked Detective Beckett to the front door, perplexed by the hug, but willing to go with the flow. She waved good-bye as she shut the front door and wondered where her father was.

* * *

><p>AN: I really feel like this behavior is out of character for Beckett, but I think that she is reeling in the wake of all the emotions of betraying Castle, being betrayed by Castle, and her mother's murder that you, my readers, will go with the flow.

Also, thanks for the reviews. Any ideas about where Castle is would be appreciated as well or how you think this should end. I've got a plan, but I'm not too pleased with it.


	4. The Search Begins

Kate tried to go back to her life and her work without Castle. He still had not answered her phone calls or appeared at the office for over a week. She desperately wanted to talk to him about her mother's case and she also wanted another chance to apologize for her betrayal, but she was starting to realize that she wasn't going to get that chance.

Castle didn't even answer the phone for Esposito or Ryan, a fact for which she felt completely responsible. The boys shouldn't be punished for her actions, but they were. She forced herself to leave Alexis and Martha out of her search for Castle, she knew that she had already ruined those relationships with her deception and she didn't want to do any more damage by trying to guilt them into giving her more information.

Finally, on this seventh day of his disappearance, Kate ran a check on his credit cards. She knew that it was a blatantly personal use of her authority, but she couldn't hold herself back any longer. She noticed a charge at The Ambassador Hotel and her heart skipped a beat as she wondered if she had found him. Was it really that easy, that he would have moved into a hotel for a time and leave a trail on his credit cards for her to follow? She hoped that it was true, that he made it easy for her to find him because he wanted to found by her.

She made up some excuse for Gates and she rushed out of the precinct to the hotel. She didn't want to flash her badge at the front desk, she hoped that she could get the information she sought without using it. She looked at the front desk clerk, "I'm trying to reach Richard Castle. Can you ring his room for me?"

The clerk typed on his computer keyboard and then looked at Kate, "I'm sorry we don't have anyone by that name registered here. Are you sure you have the right hotel?"

Kate's optimism dipped a small bit, but she was not deterred, "Oh, well, he is very famous. I guess he may have registered under another name. How about Richard Rodgers?"

Again the clerk typed in some information. "No, no one here by that name either."

Kate knew there were thousands of literary names Castle may have used to register at the hotel, but she couldn't have him check every one. Reluctantly she pulled out her badge, "OK, could you tell me who checked-in with this credit card number?" She slid a piece of paper across the counter to him with Castle's card number on it.

"Oh, I'm sorry officer, I didn't know this was police business." He tapped some more keys and then his face looked nervous. He glanced from his screen to Kate and back again. "I, umm, I need to have you speak with my manager. Wait just a moment and I'll go get him."

Kate's optimism shifted even lower, she hadn't wanted to involve anyone higher than the desk clerk in her ruse. As the clerk retreated to a back room she leaned over the counter to try to peer at the computer monitor. Despite her height she couldn't stretch far enough to see anything.

The clerk and his manager returned momentarily and the manager spoke, "May I ask why you are inquiring about one of our customers Officer …?" He let his voice trail off, implying that she should fill her name in for him.

"It's Detective," Kate supplied not wanting to give her name because she was fully aware that this inquiry should not make it back to Gates. "We have reason to believe that a man checked into the hotel using that credit card number, which belongs to Richard Castle." There she told them mostly truth and hoped that the manager wouldn't realize that she omitted any mention of any crime being committed.

"Well," the manager began, "we do have a reservation under that card number and in fact we received a phone call stating that we should charge the number, but that no one would come stay in the room. The notation here states that we would probably receive a visit from a woman asking about him and he left a message for that woman." The manager looked at Kate with curiosity. "Frankly, I didn't believe any woman would actually show up, but can I presume that you are that person? Our information doesn't say anything about a Detective."

"Sir, you can assume that I am that woman. Now what was the message," Kate asked impatiently.

The manager found a slip of paper and passed it to Kate. She received the paper and walked away from the counter. She didn't want an audience watching her when she read it. She didn't know what it was going to say, but she assumed it would bring out some emotion within her. She crossed the lobby and ducked out of sight of the reception counter and opened the message. It said, "Just a little red herring to discourage you. To quote the 'extraordinary KB,' 'I just need a little bit of time.' 'I'll call you.' –RC"

She let the note slip from her hand as she read the words. She remembered saying them to Castle at the hospital and then she let nearly three months go by without picking up the phone to reach him. The reference to her from the dedication of his first Nikki Heat novel tore her up inside as she remembered how he had truly believed it at one time and she wondered what he thought of her now. She turned to race out of the hotel, eager to get to a private space before the tears that were welling up in her eyes fell down her face.

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><p>AN: One more installment and we will be finished with this blurb of a story. I sure hope that tonight's episode and previews for next week don't spark a fire in me like last week's did. I don't know if I can ignore my duties for another week to devote to fan fiction like I did this week.


	5. A New Rabbit Hole

Kate resigned herself to life at work without Castle. She missed his coffee, his smile, his banter, the way he looked at her when he didn't think she noticed – she missed him. She tried to stop searching for him because she didn't know what she would say when she found him. What she couldn't stop was the ache in her heart and the grief over her missed opportunities. No matter where she was she would see a man Castle's height and she'd do a double take. She would see his jacket and take a longer look, hoping it would be him. She longed to call him each and every time she got a call about a new case, but she forced herself to push those thoughts aside.

The mood at the office was more somber now. Everyone felt it and the boys still held it against her slightly. They never knew what had happened to bring about Castle's departure, but they were not stupid in the ways of relationships and they knew it had to be big for Castle to walk away. Even Gates seemed surprised about the change in the atmosphere at the precinct and she had been Castle's biggest opponent. However, she would never admit that she missed his presence.

If the boys had been able to maintain contact with Castle, Kate was unaware of it and she didn't think they would hide something that big from her. A part of her believed that they felt loyal to her and wouldn't cavort with him after hours while they still had to work with her day in and day out. That loyalty put more pressure on her at work than she had ever put on herself.

Lanie was little help to Beckett. She didn't have the right words to say especially since she had been urging Kate to get with Castle for years now. She watched as Kate slowly withdrew from what little life outside the job she had cultivated and she felt helpless to stop it.

Despite downloading all of Castle's murderboard information Kate had not been able to sniff out even one lead to help her and she felt lost and alone without Castle by her side working the case. She cursed herself for becoming so dependent on him. She had never felt this way at the end of a relationship before. She spent hours by herself pondering the meaning of her feelings.

The more time she spent by herself thinking brought back the memories of Castle coming to the hospital when her betrayal began. It seemed so simple to just tell him she didn't remember anything about the shooting. How could she deal with Castle's declaration of love when she had just risen from the dead, lost her mentor, and was with someone else? She had convinced herself that her need for time was more important that Castle's needs and she held onto that belief every time she felt a twinge of guilt over her secret. She should have know the truth would come out, she just assumed it would be revealed face-to-face and from her. Back then she hadn't planned to keep Castle at bay for three months and she never dreamed that he would stay faithful to her and the case during her silence. It still made her eyes water to think of his loyalty and his words when he first saw her in the hospital, "I just never thought I'd see you again." He loved her and she had taken it for granted. Taken every generous act he offered and gave him nothing in return.

Time passed slowly for Kate and work became her only interaction with the world. She could clearly see herself going down a new rabbit-hole, but she felt unable to do anything to stop it. Finally, her desperation led her to make one last-ditch effort to get Castle back. She didn't know what would happen if it didn't work, she didn't know how to get over him, but she wasn't going to think about the worst case scenario now. She had to believe that the best could and would happen for her. She picked up her phone and dialed the all too familiar number to Castle's cell. It had been three months since he had walked out of her life and the significance of that time frame was not lost on her, she hoped Castle would take note of it as well. The phone rang and continued until his familiar voice answered via voice message. Involuntarily she gasped at the sound of his voice, it had been too long. She waited impatiently for the message to end and the signal that it was her turn to talk. At the beep she cleared her voice and said simply, "Castle, I love you too."

She ended the call and let the phone drop to her lap. Every fiber in her being wanted to crawl under the covers and wait for a call back from him, but she knew she couldn't give into those feelings any longer. She had timed the call so that she would be ready for the day and would have to go to the precinct and work in order to get her mind off of the vulnerability she had shown in that phone call.

* * *

><p>Castle picked up his phone on the first ring. He breathed deeply when he saw Beckett's picture fill the screen. He had not bothered to change the photo and he was taken back by her beauty even after all this time. Even though he wanted to answer the call and talk to her, he let the phone drop back to the desk and he tried to focus on writing. Less than a minute passed and the familiar beep from his phone told him that he had a new message waiting. He wasted no time dialing for voice mail and a huge grin crossed his face as he heard her voice say the sweetest and most sought after sentence in the world.<p>

Without hesitation, Castle forgot his writing, stood up, and glanced at the clock. He easily recalled Beckett's routine and knew where she would be at this time of the morning, he reached for his jacket and he headed to the 12th.

THE END

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><p>AN: Not my favorite chapter, but I needed to finish this story and had no other ideas. Thank you for reading.


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